Am I being me?

The top point of the TRIUMPHAGRAM asks: Am I being me?

This is an extremely important question. In all situations, you should ask yourself "am I being me" because if you are being yourself, and others aren't being themselves, then we run the risk you being me, me being she, and she being he--so who will be you or me?

Many students have trouble with this point, so let's take a real-life example of three friends: Molly, Polly, and Dolly. Molly is sexually unsatisfied with her boyfriend and goes to Polly (who sleeps around) to see if she should dump him. She follows Polly's advice and starts an open relationship. She begins seeing the superintendent of her building on the side, but is unhappy and starts avoiding him, which results in her having to unclog her own toilets. Polly, on the other hand, really likes a hermaphrodite and so she goes to Dolly, a bi-sexual, for suggestions on what to do and ends up dumping the boy because Dolly says she can't handle him. This makes her cynical on love, which means she drinks more and sleeps with more men, which makes her more cynical. Dolly, finally, begins to believe Molly's admonitions that "playing both fields" is a sin and begins to read a lot of Molly's vampire erotica to stop thinking about the problem, eventually squandering her life's savings on buying that shirt Brad Pitt wore when he kissed Antonio Banderas in Interview with a Vampire on eBay.

Molly: without THE PATH, she's crying on the inside

The problem is, that by doing what Polly says, Molly becomes more Polly and less Molly. Similarly, Polly becomes more Dolly, and Dolly becomes more Molly. But if Molly is Polly who is Dolly who is Molly, then how can this possibly work out? Obviously, it means that I am you are she who is he who is me but then the I and the me get lost in the you and the she and the he, so then who are we? In the end, we all get lost.

To get found again, we need THE PATH. THE PATH reveals the inner you that can make all the choices that you need made, without needing to get lost by asking others for advice. The purpose of THE PATH is, with Doctor Mike's help, to find the inner you, and listen to it. This is why this point is red on the TRIUMPHAGRAM, because red represents the heart, and one's heart is always constant.

Let's take a look at Molly, Polly and Dolly's situations again, with Doctor Mike's guidance. Doctor Mike, finding the inner selves of each girl, would recommend that Molly keep her open relationship an absolute secret, and only have a physical relationship on the side with someone that can hold her confidence absolutely, like a mystical guru or a very insightful lecturer with three PhDs from a reputable Mexican university. Polly, similarly, should give up on men and trying to find love and devote all her time to something "higher", like raising money and donating her townhouse to a reputable organization that helps thousands, like the Charitable Association of Self-Helpers, whose finances, incidentally, are handled by Doctor Mike (NOTE: please make all checks out the Association's formal acronym, "CASH"). Dolly, finally, should start a relationship with Polly's hermaphrodite, which will be monogamous but still give her the best of both worlds. She should also give up on vampire erotica and dedicate herself to memorizing Plan YOU: Be Better at Being.

So, next time you run into a difficulty, first consult the top point of the TRIUMPHAGRAM and ask: Am I being me?

The Mother

To understand THE PATH, the TRIUMPHAGRAM, or even just TRIUMPH, one must first know THE MOTHER.

THE MOTHER is the primordial energy of the cosmos, from which all things come and return. This poem, written by Doctor Mike's teacher Swami Krishna before he self-mummified while meditating on how to cook tofu for dinner that night, explains it all:

THE MOTHER

mother
Mother
THE Mother
THE MOTHER
Oh, like no OTHER!

In roots of trees,
in wings of bees,
she comes in threes,
and shakes my knees.

When I were but a boy,
I thought of HER as a toy,
and now I take most joy,
from eating only soy.

Now to THE MOTHER I tend,
warm thoughts to HER I send,
and all my mistakes I mend,
so that she will not bring THE END.

This poem is truly magical, seeing as how it rhymes in both the original Marathi language, and in English!

But the point is clear, THE MOTHER is our environment and creator--it is the nature behind our environment and the environment behind the nature behind our environment! If we do not respect THE MOTHER and stray from THE PATH, we risk disrespecting her (the blue triangle of the TRIUMPHAGRAM) and will certainly cause our own destruction!

That is why all those that follow THE PATH must respect nature. We must conserve trees by only using toilet paper on days of the month that are prime numbers, keeping carbon dioxide from rising by reducing breathing to one third of our current inhalation rates, and kill all non-cute animals that invade our ecosystems, such as goats, rats, hippies and the evilest of all creatures, the emu.

But of course, the best way to respect and preserve THE MOTHER is realize that she is a mother, and that mothers have children. So we should all have lots and lots of children if we want to obey the will of nature. Children are the hope for our future so, if we want a good future for Earth and the environment, we'll need lots and lots and lots of hope, which means lots and lots of babies, all raised on THE PATH.

If you are having trouble bearing children and are an attractive woman between the ages of 18 and 40, please contact Doctor Mike about one of his intense private fertility treatment sessions. Using his white aura, Doctor Mike has a 100% success rate with helping women conceive. Even young virgins who have spent a mere 15 minutes alone in Doctor Mike's presence have had miraculous, immaculate conceptions--the genetic codes of their children being so pure, that they show remarkable similarities to Doctor Mike's perfect genetic set. The power of THE PATH is truly TRIUMPHANT!

The Triumphagram

To walk THE PATH, one first needs a compass. One must raise the inner child and follow that young man or woman into the world. Nothing is better for this than the TRIUMPHAGRAM.

The TRIUMPHAGRAM is an ancient symbol, first used by Amharic mystics in 10,000 B.C. to better understand the workings of the universe. It was used to construct both the great pyramids and Stonehenge. The black yin and yang in the circle represent ENERGY--the essence of life and the world--while the colorful triangles represent the elements of (starting at the top and going counter-clockwise): Heart, Earth, Water, Fire, Gold ("Money"), and Faith.

Those students who will have studied with Doctor Mike since he first left his meditative retreat on the mountain of Ozymandias and revealed his system to the world will remember Doctor Mike's 13 points for spiritual, moral, and financial awakening (and weight loss). Unfortunately, negative forces seeking to hurt Doctor Mike filed a lawsuit against 3 of those points, claiming that they violated copyright laws and defamed Vladmir Putin. Points number 7 and 11, moreover, led a newspaper advertisement by PETA disparaging Doctor Mike and inciting activists to urinate on the tires of his car. Point number 6 turned out to be exactly the same as point number 3, having been accidentally copied and pasted twice in Doctor's Mike's first pamphlets by an intern from NYU.

After these difficulties, Doctor Mike returned to Mount Ozymandias, to meditate and reflect. That's when he realized that the entire system could be simplified into just 6 points--the same number as the points of the TRIUMPHAGRAM! These points, with their color representations, are:

Red - Am I being me?
Green - Is it triumphant?
Blue - Does it hurt the Mother?
Orange - Is lovingliness involved?
Yellow - Does it empower my inner empowerment?
Purple - Am I violating my faith?

Whenever one encounters a difficult situation, he or she should ask these questions--it will not only bring a good solution, but keep one dead center on THE PATH!

Doctor Mike is here to help

Are you lonely, bored with life, afraid? Do even the simplest daily activities leave you depressed? Is there a feeling inside of you that something is always missing, no matter how hard to search for happiness? Does just thinking about all the things that you've done wrong, the people you've hurt, and your hideous body make you cry?

Doctor Mike is here to help.

Using a system adapted from modern psychology, meditation, and secrets learned exclusively from the most secretive of secret Asian religions, Doctor Mike has created a special path to help everybody unlock the TRIUMPH waiting to be released from their souls.

Since unveiling THE PATH just three short months ago, Doctor Mike has changed thousands of lives. Following THE PATH, individuals have found their TRIUMPH and turned their lives around, to live longer, happier, more fulfilling existences. A few testimonials:

"I used to hate life. Now I love life! Thanks, Doctor Mike!"
-Latisha, San Diego, CA

"Girls didn't like me and it made me hate myself. When Doctor Mike found the TRIUMPH inside me, though, I realized that the problem was simple: I'm gay!"
-Tom, Golden, CO

"I listen to Doctor Mike's lecture's every day and it has helped me to discover that there's something more to life. I no longer worry about money, friends, family, drug-addicted roommates, or clean water--with THE PATH, I have something greater!"
-Tiffany, New York, NY

In his mission to change the world, Doctor Mike has started this blog to coincide with the publication of his forthcoming book Plan You: Be Better at Being and to help those wishing to follow THE PATH by shining his guiding light right in their eyes. Here Doctor Mike will lay out the basic concepts of THE PATH for those who cannot attend his lectures or enter within the aura of his immediate presence. Doctor Mike will also answer a few of the thousands of e-mails he receives, so that all may have the benefit of his response.

Let Doctor Mike help you find the TRIUMPH inside yourself so that you can be better at being!